food for thought source: unsplash

Some people asked me about the situation in Europe regarding the current issue towards Muslim and things related to it which triggered by the event in France recently. The answer is: I don’t know much about it, I’m not living in France and chose to not digging more into the issue, hence, I don't want to talk about it. How about in Italy? I’m currently living okay, as usual, but this may because mostly I’m working from home so I can’t really notice the differences it caused.

A bold statement from me: I personally don't feel comfortable when people associate me with my own religion. If this is because a piece of cloth that I'm wearing above my head, I'm not sure about it. The thing that I'm wearing currently is just a mere of a tradition for me (I've been wearing it for years and slowly become a habit) rather than representing the religion itself.

I don’t feel comfortable if my appearance is associated with the religion related to it. I feel like the religion image (which associated with me) currently is not in the best condition to represent who I am and the mindset that I have in general. You might say “Oh, but Islam has taught you that this will be difficult in the future and you have to believe in it even in the hardest condition.”

Yes, I know that too. I was born and grew up the for the whole of my life with this religion but this (current situation with all the violence and so on) ain’t it. Even though the religion itself has shaped who I am now, but this is not the one that I remember, not the one that I learnt in school, and not the one that I believe in.

There is a lot of stereotype and stigma related to the religion itself, especially the women, and more particularly the women with hijab. I got some bad words from a piece of cloth that I wear above my head, I got stereotyped, and somehow I don’t feel safe with it. It’s weird because the main reason for the piece of cloth that I’m wearing is supposed to help women (who believes in it) to feel safe. I don't feel comfortable if people think I am the same person with those people just because of what I'm wearing. Before anyone commenting “but you don’t look like Arab.”. Yes, I don't look like Arab, but those people don’t really care to think about where I actually from, no? They just see it from what I’m wearing and what I look like.

A random person once told me to go back to Syria because I have nothing to do here. Fact: I’m not Syrian and I was just literally sitting on the bench in the airport and do nothing that might trigger him. Police in the street once asked me to open my bag in front of him, open my purse, even more, count how much money I have just to make sure that I am not a suspicious person. When I was just literally walking in the city (not in the tourism area). Another random police asked for all my whole documents and ID, even I have my valid residence permit and passport. He even asked for my student ID card and questioning where I’m living back then, again, just to make sure. Only to me, not my husband (which happened to be with me at that time), not to other foreigners either. And uncountable unsafe feeling from random (I roughly assumed) Muslim guys who following me and randomly talking to me in a foreign language which usually associated with Muslim just because I'm wearing a headscarf.

You may take note that those events are not only happened in Italy (where I’m currently living) but also in some countries in Europe too. This is not about a specific country, but the ‘image’ of the religion itself in general.

Even when I’m wearing a hijab in a more ‘correct’ way, there were guys commenting that I don’t wear it correct enough, or my attitude doesn’t represent the hijab, or even worse some of them said that it’s better if I just don’t wear it. But, what if I really don’t (wear hijab)? And yes, if you think that my attitude doesn’t represent my religion, then why what I’m wearing must be a representation of the religion?

I believe there was another ‘subtle’ situation that I might not notice (or decided to not make it a big deal) related to what I’m wearing, the religion associated with it, and so on. Things might be getting even worse after this current issue. I’m trying my best to maintain the ‘habit’ that I’ve been following for years. It’s never getting any easier, it’s even getting harder every day.

As you might know (or not knowing), I currently changed the usual hijab style more into a ‘headband’ (turban) and I actually been thinking about it since last year. But the feeling and the fear of ‘not following’ the ‘usual hijab style’ kept haunting me. The support from my husband (because he knows) is one of the reasons I changed that and I’m getting more comfortable with it because this kind of style somehow just looks like a headband and more seen as a piece of fashion rather than religion representation, I guess? Period.

Actually, I have a lot of thoughts in mind that might relevant with this issue but I will just keep it by myself until I’m ready to talk about it.

Once again, I don’t feel comfortable to answer any question related to it because I’m not the best person to explain the issue. These are just my own thoughts and opinion based on my experiences which may vary depends on the person. And I personally think that what I'm wearing currently is just a mere of a habit or a tradition for me rather than representing the religion itself and how I practice it. You might think this is a pity or what a waste (I believe some of you may think so), but also, you never walk in my shoes either.

The world currently is not a ‘safe place’ for everyone from any culture, any religion, or any races. Please let any person just be themselves or do whatever in order to feel safe as long as the action or the decision won’t hurt anyone.

As seen in (109-6): “You have your way, and I have my way.”

Addina Faizati

Autumn, 2020