Things in 2018 and The Knot

By addinaf - 10:38:00 PM

Thngs in 2018
(and the Knot)
Felice Anno Nuovo!

A lot of things happened in 2018. All ups and downs, until I realize that I (somehow) accomplished a lot of things on the list one by one. I felt that this year (2018) has made me a different person with a different mindset. I become more comfortable with myself, I started to less care with people's opinion (even though I must admit that it is really difficult to do), but I'm pretty sure that I felt more content and grateful rather than what I felt before.

To conclude 2018, surprise, surprise. We (me and my boyfriend) decided to tie the knot. 
I don't really like to explain myself, but I feel like I have to share this experience and what I felt through the journey to you, also, I'm preparing this to have the answer ready to the million questions out there. I will try to make it easy with a list of things and question that you might wonder.

#1 Family visit and another series of moving again
In February 2018, my family visited me in Milan for 10 days and I had a wonderful time with my Mother, Father, bf, cousins, and aunty. We visited some cities in Europe such as Barcelona, Amsterdam (and some small villages in the Netherlands), Rome, and Como. I'm kinda disappointed with the weather (blame global warming) because it was supposed to be late winter but the weather betrayed me and my family, but on the side note, they experienced snow in Como, so I guess that's another good point. I must say thank you for my boyfriend who helped me to arrange all the itinerary and communicate with the locals.

I also introduced my Mum and Dad to my closest friends in Milan; Ele, Jo, Baz, and Kak Dina. My parents were so happy 'cause I have such nice friends here. They also brought them some Indonesian souvenir.

Me, Mom, Dad in Barcelona
After my family left the town, one day after, early March, I should move to another apartment (again) for the fourth time in 2 years. I can say that was one of the most difficult yet anticipated moving for me. I really want to move from my former apartment but I also didn't want to pack and unpack again. To make it more miserable for me, God sent me snow on the day I moved. So, I and my boyfriend were carrying all the items of luggage and stuff in the middle of the snow.

To be honest, February to March was kind of difficult for me because after had a great 10 days with my family, and I had to move (another series of the pack and unpack), and also some of my closest friends in Milan were leaving for good to Indonesia (more stories here). To see all those familiar faces leaving for good was really difficult for me at that time. Well, well, I guess that was the time when I realize that Milan is not for forever, people come and go, but family and your closest one stay.

#2 Master degree: Accomplished! (Lui e Lei)

Spring | Primavera
After all the hard work, all the sweat and tears, my boyfriend was able to graduate on time in April (more stories here). I'm so proud of him, because he still can manage to graduate on time, despite all the myth about Politecnico and engineering students, and he did his part-time job too (as a food delivery service guy). I'm really really proud of him, cause he got a quite good mark for an engineering student.

Actually, on the week of his graduation day, we had a part-time job as a photographer and videographer (and video editor), so we were not as nervous as we supposed to be. He wasn't nervous at all, anyway. He finished all of his works earlier (like 1 - 2 months before the deadline, I guess) so he just need to present it and that's all. LOL


Autumn | Autunno

After 4 months of his graduation, I graduated on time as well (he started his course 1 semester earlier than me in 2016). I must say that my graduation is one of my biggest achievement that I ever have done. I was really stressful on the journey to the graduation, not about my thesis, but regarding some of the other requirements (workshop, internship, etc) that I must fulfil before my graduation. But I'm really glad that I can finish my thesis on time and develop my thesis the way I wanted (more stories here).

I also wasn't nervous at all. I'm focusing more on other stuff like clothes, and even I baked brownies one day before the day. I was ready more than anything, and I regret nothing for my work and my thesis. I'm really grateful that my friends were so nice to me, I received a lot of gifts, greetings, and even I have two crowns on that day (from my bf and my best friends), so, even though my bf couldn't come because of work, I still felt love (a lot) from my friends on that day.

Our goal was actually to graduate on time, whatever it takes. We care more about how to finish our Master Degree on time rather than anything else at that time. We thought a lot about the consequences that we should pay if we couldn't finish it on time as our motivation to really finish our study. I am really glad that we always have each other's back to support whenever someone felt down and finally we can achieve it as we planned it.


#3 Job opportunities & Home
After all the euphoria, of course, we thought a lot about job opportunities and how this life is gonna bring us. He started to find a job since April, he faced a lot of phone calls, tests, and interviews. He almost gave up after 2 - 3 months. I personally thought that 3 months looking for a job is normal because some people spent 6 months or more to find a job. He went back to Indonesia for Eid, after two years he never coming back home. At that time, I was struggling with my thesis. 

He was so lucky because he got a job immediately after he went back to Milan. However, he got a job on another city (still in the same region with Milan), so he needs to move. This is becoming another series of moving, pack, and unpack again for me. I helped him to find and move to the new apartment in the new city (small city). That is why on my graduation day he couldn't come because he already got a job at that time.

Anyway, at least, he has something to do quite immediately after his graduation. How about me?

I also try to find a job in October, I got an offer but in another country that I'm not familiar with. I have my personal reason and so on and so on. I decided to go back home, after two years never coming back. I felt so emotional during the last month, to be honest. I was worried about a lot of things. I really really wanted to go back home, but also I didn't want to go back.

This is the thing, going back to Europe is not an easy thing for me, it needs a lot of money, I don't have any other obligatory thing to do (I finished my study), and so on. I can't speak Italian (he can speak Italian, even his job is in Italian), so my biggest problem to find a job here is; the amount of money to stay and local language skill.

On the other side, I was crying a lot too, because I couldn't really put myself into the capital city setting. I don't feel like I want to stay in Jakarta, but I also believe that most job opportunities are in Jakarta. All of those things are surely more complicated than coming back home, for sure.

#4 Decision, decision
I don't really like to say this, but, in our culture (Indonesia), a woman from 25 - 30 will get a lot of questions about marriage. Also to me. People will say almost the same thing; you got your master degree, you have a boyfriend, when will you get married? Just like what I wrote in the previous post: here, I'm not ready with all of those questions from let's say 'outer circle' and not to mention about the pressure that I will receive regarding when will I got a job, what will you do, and the expectation from people because of my degree. I was worry about society and what people thought about me rather than what I really want to do.

On the side note, my family and his family also quite a conservatives family (despite all the flexibilities that they have offered to us), but in the end, we finally decided to tie the knot to avoid all the bad thoughts and opinions towards us. Why everything has to be complicated when it is supposed to be easy and simple? Isn't it just about two individuals and the core family?

So yes after all the things, finally we decided to tie the knot.
Decision, decision

#5 FAQ & People's opinions
Disclaimer: I might use Bahasa Indonesia a lot on this section, 'cause not everything can be translated into English.

The process of our wedding wasn't ideal. I never met his parents/family before, he and his family have visited my family (when he went back to Indonesia after his graduation), we are all only communicate through WhatsApp and phone call because everybody is living in the different city. Me: Milan, him: Brescia, his family: Jakarta, my family: Jogja. Time difference, different mindset, different goal.

We actually planned to get a job and get married after 1 or 2 years. But my Mom think that plan might be too risky for me as a woman side and might affecting me (not so good opinion about me, and so on, semacam: "udah lama tinggal di luar tapi ga kawin-kawin lu.", atau "terlalu betah tinggal di luar ya jadi males kawin."), also my Mom want me to married before her retirement (by the third quarter of 2019). His family also have another thing to consider. I was so confused and I personally thought that everything was so in hurry (asli pengen banget teriak; ya ampun sabar satu-satu).

The next thing he proposed to get married in August (summer break in Italy), so he can get a long holiday and we can plan the marriage better. But we have a problem, my residence permit will finish at that time, so I should make a new visa to come to Italy (and Europe in general) if we decided to do the marriage at that time. Also, I actually get another one year visa (with aim to looking for a job) if I graduated from the Italian's institute, with the condition: my previous visa is still active. We don't want to lose that chance and start all over again to make a new visa.

My Mom proposed another period on March or April, so there is no problem with my visa anymore and we still have time to plan the marriage. Another problem is; there is no holiday in Europe for that period or time. Well, well, well,  Ada sih libur panjang, tapi Natal - Tahun Baru ini. Jeng jeng jeng. That is how we started all of this crazy decision.

So, we really just planned it in the last week of October - early November. And the first thing that I did the day after I arrived in Jakarta was to meet his family, for the first time, and to discuss all the things. My family also came to pick me up and visit his family. You might think that it is impossible, but I have done all of this, really. I'm not lying to you.

Ada lagi masalah adalah harus ada lamaran, kalau di Islam sebutannya apa taaruf ya, kurang paham juga. Intinya ya walaupun udah sepakat mau menikah, tetep harus ada statement: saya melamar anak Bapak. Dan kondisinya kalau harus nunggu keluarga dia ke Jogja, nanti nunggu lama lagi, dan keluarga ku jadi ga bisa bergerak (dalam artian mempersiapkan pernikahan), karena waktu udah November, dan mau menikah Desember, ga ada waktu lagi buat berbahasa bahasi, jadi di situ lah aku dilamar. Iya di rumah yang laki-laki, bukan dalam kondisi ideal di rumah pihak perempuan. Karna hal tersebut, aku sempet denger juga opini-opini ga enak semacam kok kayak yang cewek yang nodong sih, ini yang cowok dipaksa ya, atau, ini udah kenapa-kenapa ya, ini cara luar negeri ya, etc etc.

That's all. After that day, I went back to my hometown to prepare all the things that we need for the wedding. I'm so thankful that everything went so easy (in the sense of the wedding ceremony), my parents can do the wedding reception as they wanted in the hall nearby my house, because of some connections from my parents and of course ridho Allah.
addinaf x najiero

Intinya, aku mikir kenapa bikin acara nikahan yang orang-orang bilang rempong, ribet, susah, drama, itu kami bisa dalam waktu 1,5 - 2 bulan, ga bohong sih asli, beneran kami baru mempersiapkan semua dari November - Desember itu dan alhamdulillah dipermudah.

Katanya dadakan, tapi kok bisa sewa gedung? Karena kami merayakan di hari kerja, dan kebetulan orang tua juga kenal sama manajemen dari gedung tersebut. Nikahan ga kayak dadakan kok kayak nikahan biasa pada umumnya? Masak sih? Kami pake WO dan vendor yang dulu udah pernah kerjasama waktu nikahan kakakku, jadi intinya udah kenal dan udah percaya, ga pake survey-survey lagi, udah ok-ok aja. Baju nya emang sempet jahit? Bajunya sewa jadi, hari pertama aku ke tempat rias sekalian nyobain baju, udah pas di badan yaudah, no ribet sis. Baju keluarga? Keluarga besar dibelikan baju jadi aja, trus baju bapak-bapak dan saudara laki-laki sewa juga, baju ibu-ibu dan saudara perempuan emang jahit, tapi karena ga ada aneh-aneh yaudah jadi aja cepet.

Banyak juga pertanyaan soal cetak undangan, souvenir, dan hal-hal teknis yang dirasa memang kayak ga mungkin ya jadi dalam waktu cepat. Kuncinya adalah bikin gampang aja, undangan aku bikin sendiri langsung aja trus kasihin vendor yang udah ditunjuk, langsung jadi 3 minggu. Souvenir juga aku cari yang udah ada model aja. Jujur aja sih aku ga pengen yang aneh-aneh, aku pengen selesai dengan mudah dan cepat. Kalau boleh sih aku maunya yang di rumah aja akad trus udah, tapi ternyata ga semudah itu, maka dari itu, lebih baik yang mudah dan bikin semua senang aja.

Kok nikah ga undang-undang dari lama? Ga ngabarin dari awal? Ya gimana, bukannya apa-apa tapi aku paling sedih sih kalo ditanya kaya gini, karna emang baru disiapin aja, dan aku emang ga berencana sebar-sebar sampai semua beres, dan karna keterbatasan juga makanya aku cuma kasih tau beberapa orang. Mohon maaf sekali lagi buat yang ga terjangkau oleh chat pribadiku, mungkin terlewat karna hal-hal lain yang harus kami urus. Abis nikah cepet amat langsung balik Itali? Karena dia harus kerja lagi tanggal 2, dan kami juga kehabisan tiket untuk tanggal mepet-mepet sebelum tanggal 2 (maklum kan mepet sis belinya).

I don't want to say that we faced no dramas and problems, of course, there were some dramas and problems. But to think about all the not-so-ideal-journey that we had, I think that was acceptable and in the end, we pass all the dramas. We weren't nervous at all, to be honest. Because we know that everything will be okay, I guess. We are crazy (nekat) yet a chill couple, I guess. Hahah. Anyway please check slideshow video that I created one day before the D-day because I wanted to show it to the guests at that day hahah.

To conclude my long post,

Not that I'm scared of marriage itself, I am more afraid or uncomfortable with the norms and society. It is actually something 'wrong' because I am scared of society more rather than the commitment of the marriage itself. After all the opinions that I received, I decided to less care about what people thought about me and think about other important things instead. In the end, everybody has their own goals that can't be explained to everybody. Whatever, whenever, whoever, however, it is. Although not everybody wants to listen to your particular reason and thought behind your decision, and not everybody wants to talk about your achievement rather than touch your personal sensitive topics. But in the end, what I'm doing with my life pretty sure won't affecting yours, and vice versa.

Decision, decision, decision.
At the end of it, everybody needs to decide what is worth for them to fight for.
Who are we to judge their decision, anyway?

2018 was a crazy year for me and for him.
2018 was about personal achievements, friends, family, and us as a couple. In the end, we regret nothing, we have other personal things to do after, but now we don't need to worry about all the opinions about us because we are a legal couple hahah.

I will never able to pass this year without my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I realize that everything is just a series of temporary, but family and your closest one stay.

New year, new experiences, new city, new friends, and new working environment.
I wish nothing but the best for both of us. Stay healthy and happy and be grateful for everything.
Have a great year ahead, ragazzi!

Addina Faizati
Third winter in Italy,
first winter in Brescia

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