addinaf: 2020

A Piece of Cloth

By addinaf - 2:58:00 PM

food for thought
source: unsplash

Some people asked me about the situation in Europe regarding the current issue towards Muslim and things related to it which triggered by the event in France recently. The answer is: I don’t know much about it, I’m not living in France and chose to not digging more into the issue, hence, I don't want to talk about it. How about in Italy? I’m currently living okay, as usual, but this may because mostly I’m working from home so I can’t really notice the differences it caused.

A bold statement from me: I personally don't feel comfortable when people associate me with my own religion. If this is because a piece of cloth that I'm wearing above my head, I'm not sure about it. The thing that I'm wearing currently is just a mere of a tradition for me (I've been wearing it for years and slowly become a habit) rather than representing the religion itself.

I don’t feel comfortable if my appearance is associated with the religion related to it. I feel like the religion image (which associated with me) currently is not in the best condition to represent who I am and the mindset that I have in general. You might say “Oh, but Islam has taught you that this will be difficult in the future and you have to believe in it even in the hardest condition.”

Yes, I know that too. I was born and grew up the for the whole of my life with this religion but this (current situation with all the violence and so on) ain’t it. Even though the religion itself has shaped who I am now, but this is not the one that I remember, not the one that I learnt in school, and not the one that I believe in.

There is a lot of stereotype and stigma related to the religion itself, especially the women, and more particularly the women with hijab. I got some bad words from a piece of cloth that I wear above my head, I got stereotyped, and somehow I don’t feel safe with it. It’s weird because the main reason for the piece of cloth that I’m wearing is supposed to help women (who believes in it) to feel safe. I don't feel comfortable if people think I am the same person with those people just because of what I'm wearing. Before anyone commenting “but you don’t look like Arab.”. Yes, I don't look like Arab, but those people don’t really care to think about where I actually from, no? They just see it from what I’m wearing and what I look like.

A random person once told me to go back to Syria because I have nothing to do here. Fact: I’m not Syrian and I was just literally sitting on the bench in the airport and do nothing that might trigger him. Police in the street once asked me to open my bag in front of him, open my purse, even more, count how much money I have just to make sure that I am not a suspicious person. When I was just literally walking in the city (not in the tourism area). Another random police asked for all my whole documents and ID, even I have my valid residence permit and passport. He even asked for my student ID card and questioning where I’m living back then, again, just to make sure. Only to me, not my husband (which happened to be with me at that time), not to other foreigners either. And uncountable unsafe feeling from random (I roughly assumed) Muslim guys who following me and randomly talking to me in a foreign language which usually associated with Muslim just because I'm wearing a headscarf.

You may take note that those events are not only happened in Italy (where I’m currently living) but also in some countries in Europe too. This is not about a specific country, but the ‘image’ of the religion itself in general.

Even when I’m wearing a hijab in a more ‘correct’ way, there were guys commenting that I don’t wear it correct enough, or my attitude doesn’t represent the hijab, or even worse some of them said that it’s better if I just don’t wear it. But, what if I really don’t (wear hijab)? And yes, if you think that my attitude doesn’t represent my religion, then why what I’m wearing must be a representation of the religion?

I believe there was another ‘subtle’ situation that I might not notice (or decided to not make it a big deal) related to what I’m wearing, the religion associated with it, and so on. Things might be getting even worse after this current issue. I’m trying my best to maintain the ‘habit’ that I’ve been following for years. It’s never getting any easier, it’s even getting harder every day.

As you might know (or not knowing), I currently changed the usual hijab style more into a ‘headband’ (turban) and I actually been thinking about it since last year. But the feeling and the fear of ‘not following’ the ‘usual hijab style’ kept haunting me. The support from my husband (because he knows) is one of the reasons I changed that and I’m getting more comfortable with it because this kind of style somehow just looks like a headband and more seen as a piece of fashion rather than religion representation, I guess? Period.

Actually, I have a lot of thoughts in mind that might relevant with this issue but I will just keep it by myself until I’m ready to talk about it.

Once again, I don’t feel comfortable to answer any question related to it because I’m not the best person to explain the issue. These are just my own thoughts and opinion based on my experiences which may vary depends on the person. And I personally think that what I'm wearing currently is just a mere of a habit or a tradition for me rather than representing the religion itself and how I practice it. You might think this is a pity or what a waste (I believe some of you may think so), but also, you never walk in my shoes either.

The world currently is not a ‘safe place’ for everyone from any culture, any religion, or any races. Please let any person just be themselves or do whatever in order to feel safe as long as the action or the decision won’t hurt anyone.

As seen in (109-6): “You have your way, and I have my way.”

Addina Faizati

Autumn, 2020

1 Comments

mindsetting

Tentang Saya, Hari Ini

By addinaf - 9:24:00 PM

Sudah lama saya tidak menuliskan hal-hal yang ada dalam pikiran saya dan membagikannya melalui blog ini. Saya masih menulis, namun lebih banyak di notes atau saya simpan sendiri seperti diary, seperti yang saya bilang pada post sebelumnya, ada hal-hal yang membuat saya kurang nyaman di sini, entah apa. Sepertinya belakangan ini saya merasa sosial media seolah menjadi beban dan memiliki tekanan tersendiri. Seolah pasti ada saja yang 'salah' pada setiap update/post/foto/gambar/pemikiran/tulisan yang dibagikan oleh seseorang, termasuk saya. Mungkin saya hanya overthinking atau khawatir berlebihan, namun itu yang saya rasakan belakangan ini, terutama semenjak adanya pandemi COVID19.

Saya memiliki sebuah draft cukup panjang yang saya tulis beberapa pekan lalu mengenai pandemi tersebut dan bagaimana perasaan saya dan situasi yang saya alami di sini, tapi lagi-lagi saya merasa kurang nyaman untuk membagikannya. Saya merasa pasti ada saja orang yang menemukan sesuatu yang salah dari apa yang saya pikirkan. We can't please everyone, I know.

Hari ini, saya merasa saya butuh menuliskan apa yang saya pikirkan, meskipun hanya berupa hal-hal random dan tidak terstruktur, ataupun tidak jelas apa konteksnya. Saya hanya butuh mengungkapkan apa yang saya rasakan selama beberapa waktu terakhir.

Saya menyadari bahwa besok sudah bulan Agustus, semua terasa begitu cepat namun juga lambat. Pekerjaan yang saya lakukan di bulan Januari-Februari awal 2020 ini terasa seperti sudah terjadi satu tahun lalu. Rencana yang saya susun di tahun 2020 ini tidak ada yang terjadi dengan baik, walaupun saya sendiri sudah mendapatkan hal-hal lain yang saya percaya sama baiknya. It's weird.

Saya termasuk orang yang suka berencana, saya tidak suka hal-hal yang terjadi mendadak atau tidak terduga. Saya suka rutinitas dan hal-hal yang pasti, dalam artian, jika hari itu saya tahu harus keluar pukul 4 sore, maka saya akan memadatkan pekerjaan saya untuk selesai maksimal pukul 3. Saya tidak suka ketika saya merencanakan akan bekerja sampai pukul 5 sore, kemudian secara mendadak ada hal yang membuat saya harus pergi atau berhenti bekerja sebelumnya. Saya merasa sesuatu yang terencana dan pasti adalah bibit-bibit kedamaian dan kenyamanan buat saya.

Tapi 2020 ini mengajarkan saya hal yang berbeda. Banyak hal yang tidak bisa direncanakan, bahkan mau tidak mau harus terjadi secara mendadak dan tiba-tiba. Otak dan perasaan saya yang sudah terbiasa akan rutinitas dan perencanaan harus beradaptasi dengan sesuatu yang tidak menentu dan belum tentu akan terjadi. Banyak hal yang baru diketahui dan harus dilakukan saat itu juga karena satu dan lain hal, akibatnya, banyak yang terlewat, lupa, atau tidak berjalan sesuai rencana.

Memang pepatah lawas tentang bagaimana "Manusia hanya bisa berencana, Tuhan menentukan." benar adanya. Pada akhirnya kita-kita ini hanyalah manusia biasa yang mungkin peran dan wewenangnya dalam dunia yang begitu besar dan luas ini tidaklah seberapa. Saya bisa berencana X, Y, Z, tapi kemudian ada faktor-faktor lain yang tidak bisa kita kendalikan yang kemungkinan besar membuat rencana-rencana tersebut tidak terlaksana. Everybody is struggling in a different way. Sounds cliché but sometimes we learnt something the hard way.

Anyway, semoga Agustus dan bulan-bulan selanjutnya akan ada hal-hal baik untuk kita semua. Apapun rencana saya, rencana kalian, dan apapun yang terjadi, semoga hanya hal-hal baik. Selamat musim panas dan selamat menikmati matahari!

Addina Faizati

Musim panas,

2020

PS: This is not about having kids or something like that,

'duh people always assuming married couple's plan is to have kids

just about other personal plans that I have