Maybe not everyone will believe this, but I have a body image issue since I don't remember when exactly. Even though maybe some of you think that I don't ‘look’ that I have to worry about my body or I don't ‘look’ insecure with it. Everything seems fine, but, yes, I have insecurities toward this issue.

I was born in a society that has a mindset that beautiful women ALWAYS (or most likely) have fair skin, skinny body, fewer curves (or even have no curves), and tall or have a long torso or legs. What makes me insecure even more because my sister was born with my father gene which is skinny, and I am more in my mother gene, which is curvier.

I'm not saying I'm not happy with it, however, it takes me a quite long time to accept my curvy body and embrace it. You have to know beforehand that I personally never think I'm hideous or unpleasant to look at. I always think that I have a beautiful and curvy and thick body. Self-proclaimed.

However, my family and my relatives, or whoever see me with my sister or my cousin, always see me as the biggest (yes, believe it or not). They always said that I'm thick, or I'm getting fatter every year, or my sister looks younger because she is skinnier and so on. I also have some skinnier friends who always say that I'm thick, I'm heavy. Not that they meant it to make me feel down, anyway, I believe it. In Indonesia, saying something like that is common as a way to break the ice.

I also don't like it when my mom always reminds me to cover my butt, to avoid wearing something that looks 'revealing' such as skinny jeans, leggings, or short top because I have a thick and curvy body. Even though what I'm wearing is just the same with my sister, but my mom never calls her out just because my sister is skinnier so nothing looks 'dirty' on her. Why can't I wear something that I like? And I'm wearing a hijab, how can I wear something revealing when I cover everything in my body?

Thus, making me feel uncomfortable for a quite long time, to be honest. I honestly never think that I am what they said because whenever I go, for example, in my former office back then circa 2013, nobody thinks I'm 'big' because maybe I'm one of the smallest people in the office (I'm short and not that big). Since I moved to Italy, I will never be the skinniest person, but people always consider my body type as a 'small' because I'm short and not that big. Even some of them think I have to eat more because I'm too small. Negative comments always come from Indonesian friends.

Nobody believes that I'm strong and exercise regularly (even though in a small portion, but anyway I'm doing it) because I look curvy and thick. Nobody believes that I eat healthily, I control my portion, I control what I eat daily, I eat a lot of fruits and veggies, just because, again, I look curvy and thick. I lose a lot of weight these two years, but maybe not everybody realized it because I'm still curvy and thick. I have the strength to do hiking, to do sport, to walk for a long time, that was because I'm doing my exercise regularly. Not that I'm super strong, but I'm confident enough to do whatever I like and I know what kind of things I can do and my body can endure it.

One of my fav full body photo of me

My body is not the lean type, so I will never be able to achieve that Korean girl look or whatever our Indonesian society wants to achieve. However, I always try to do good for my body through food and exercise regularly in a small portion. I do feel comfortable with my body, but I hate it when people give their negative comments toward my body without they even know what I'm capable to do with my body.

Skinny doesn't always mean healthy and strong, and vice versa. What is more important rather than a body shape is to understand what kind of clothes or color that enhances your body the most, which kind of clothing that makes you more confident and comfortable to wear. I'm still learning to love my body without thinking about what people might think or comment about it, but I believe that I'm doing my best to eat healthily and exercise regularly.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I work on accepting my body every day. (Taylor Swift)

Addina Faizati

Summer in Brescia

still trying to achieve my summer body goals